Bittersweet Days
by N.H. Burns
Summary: Max finally figures out the truth of her feelings for the two men in her life, and has to break the news to both of them, but faces a stunning realisation in regard to the one she loves. Please review; it's my first fic!


Summary: Max finally figures out the truth of her feelings for the two men in her life, and has to break the news to both of them, but faces a stunning realisation in regards to the one she loves.

Disclaimer: I don't own anything. I have to give all credit of these fabulous characters to the great people who created them. I'm not one of those people. I'm just borrowing them for a while.

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It was one of those days. Max knew by 9 o'clock that morning that she shouldn't have gotten out of bed. And she probably wouldn't have, if she hadn't been roused from one of her few hours of sleep by an angry X5 who accused the transhumans of shutting the water off to annoy the transgenics. She got up to solve the problem, only to find out that the city had cut the water off in order to annoy the transgenics _and_ transhumans. Then she'd had to arbitrate four disputes between Terminal City residents. Logan had called her seven times to whine about some domestic issue for which she had no time, police, mobs, and reporters lined the walls of TC trying to get at anyone who was inside, there was almost no food in TC, Alec was missing, and Mole was out of cigars. And all of this had come to her attention before dawn. Nothing about it spelled "good day."

And somewhere in there, she had time to wonder why she cared where Alec was. It wasn't like he mattered to her or anything.

By 9 in the morning, one X6 had been captured by the sector police, Gem's baby was screaming its head off, Alec still hadn't returned, Joshua was following her around like a lost puppy (no pun intended) in need of attention, a toilet had exploded, Dix was sick with something -- whatever kind of illnesses transhumans could get, Mole was getting violent, Logan had actually turned up at TC, and Max had been interviewed four times while trying to convince the police that the mayor should turn the water back on.

She sat at her desk, face in her hands, dismally wondering how to save all of the humanoid machines she had rescued from Manticore. Everyone was miserable. They'd been happier when they were prisoners and slaves.

A knock at the door startled her, and she jumped to her feet. "Come in," she said.

The door twisted open, and before Max could see her visitor, she found herself hoping Alec had come back and was going to explain where he'd been all morning. But then she almost deflated. It was Logan.

"Max?" he asked tentatively, as though he didn't expect her to want to see him.

"Hey, Logan. What's up?" she said brightly. Well, it was actually fake, but he couldn't tell that.

"I haven't seen you around in a while and you haven't returned my calls," he began.

"Logan, it's been a busy --"

"I know," he interrupted. "I figured that out when I came in."

"What was it you needed?" she asked.

He closed the door behind him. "Max, about you and Alec . . ."

She took a deep, steadying breath. "Logan, that was all a lie. Alec and I were never together."

"Oh, I know," he went on. "Alec told me on the day we flew the flag."

"Then what --"

"I don't believe it."

She stopped what she was about to say. "You don't believe it was all a lie?"

He shook his head. "I know you were never officially together. I even know why you told me that lie. Alec explained everything clearly. But I think you have feelings for him."

"That screwup? Why would I have feelings for him?"

"I have no idea," Logan said with a little laugh. "That's what I came to find out. I've watched the way you look at him."

"With contempt?"

"With compassion. And he looks at you the same way."

Max mentally went through all of her recent meetings with Alec. Now that she was looking for it, she noticed that, generally speaking, Logan was right. Damn him. "It doesn't matter, Logan. You and I --"

"Are not likely to experience a happy, successful, normal relationship," he interrupted. And the interruptions were _really_ starting to grate on her nerves.

"How do you figure?" she asked, feeling both relief at his conclusion and also hurt that she was losing a man she loved.

"I saw what happened with Sam -- 453. You'd be running from people your whole life, too. You could never have the cookie-cutter life that you want so badly."

"But Logan --"

"I just wanted to say that I love you, and I always will," he said before she could get anything out. "If you ever need anything, let me know. You'll always have a special place in my heart."

He stepped across the small room to give her a friendly hug, then walked away without another word. Max collapsed into her chair.

Logan was too understanding. He was so angelic that she couldn't deserve a man like him, anyway. She had way too much emotional baggage. He deserved better.

Unfortunately, that left her extremely alone. And when she was alone, she thought. She thought about Logan, TC, Alec . . . and was once again startled by a knock on the door.

"What?" she said, unintentionally snapping the words out.

Alec stood in the doorway, leaning casually against the door frame with his hands folded across his chest. Who knew how long he'd been standing there? "All work and no play . . ." he said with a smirk, not bothering to finish the rest of his statement.

Max permitted a small smile. "We need to talk," she announced.

He closed the door and plopped unceremoniously onto her sofa. "What about? I assume you might want to know where I've been."

Oh yeah. She'd forgotten about that. "Of course I do. Well?"

"I found a good temporary source and managed to secure food for TC for about a week. It's not much, but it's better than the nothing we have right now."

"How did you --"

"A magician never reveals his secrets," he interrupted slyly. "Anyway, I'll see what I can do about the continuing food shortage. Just thought you might like to know."

"Alec, that's so --"

"No need to thank me," he said.

"STOP INTERRUPTING ME!" she shouted, in a voice so loud and full of anger that Alec suddenly bounded to the door. He didn't open it, but he was dangerously close to leaving. "What the hell, Maxie? I know you hate me and all, but it usually takes more than me interrupting you twice to make you blow up."

Max's legs lost their strength and she found herself in her chair once more, her heavy sigh audible from across the room. "I'm sorry. Logan was just here and he'd been interrupting me the whole time."

"Sorry to hear that," Alec said warily, moving toward the sofa again.

"We've broken up. Permanently."

Alec raised an eyebrow. "An interesting development. I won't insult your intelligence by asking why."

Max met his eyes. "There was someone else."

Something clouded his hazel eyes and made him look dangerous when he snarled, "He was _cheating_ on you?"

She let out a small laugh. "No, no. There was someone else in _my _ life."

Alec seemed to ponder this, and it could have been Max's imagination, but she was sure she saw disappointment there. "Oh," he answered. "Anyone I know?" Just as Max was about to answer, he put up a hand and said, "Actually, strike that from the record. I don't want to know."

"Why not?"

"It doesn't matter. Just make sure he treats you right." He paused, and when a very sudden realisation crossed his mind, he looked over with wide eyes. "It's a he, right? I mean, you haven't suddenly decided you like women, have you?"

The absurdity of this was so great that Max laughed out loud. "Don't worry, Pretty Boy. That's OC's thing."

Alec grinned and leaned back. "I wonder how Sketch and OC are doing. I should have stopped to see them while I was out there."

"Alec," Max said, her heart fluttering as she decided to admit her feelings for him. "I still want to tell you who the someone else is."

"It doesn't matter to me," he muttered. "I don't want to intrude."

Did he really think her opinion of him was that low? Of course he did. She never gave him any reason to assume otherwise. "But I _want_ you to know."

"Why?"

"It concerns you."

His eyes popped open wide again, and he said, "Mole? You wouldn't --"

"No, it's not Mole." He opened his mouth to say something else, and she said, "It's not Josh, either." His mouth closed, and she knew she'd guessed right.

"I don't know how it could have anything to do with me, then," he spat out.

"Logan told me you explained the lie about us being together."

At this sudden change in subject, he looked away. "Yeah. I know I said I wouldn't say anything, but you were pining over him, and he was pining over you, and I hated to see it."

"That's okay. It's what allowed us to break up."

"You and me?"

"Me and Logan."

"Right."

Silence reigned for a few minutes. Transgenics were superior physically and mentally. Alec was either a big idiot or he already knew what she was trying so hard to tell him. "Alec, I--"

"It's okay, Max," he said gently. "You don't have to say anything. I won't judge you for whoever this guy is."

She snorted. Apparently, he _was_ that dumb. "Actually, you probably would. But it doesn't matter. I still want to tell you."

"But why? We were having a civil conversation before."

"Because, Alec -- I . . . I love you."

And that was it. Her heart was bared open for him. When she managed to get up the courage to look at him, she saw his jaw drop. And then close. And then drop again. Emotions flitted across his face like headlines on CNN. But he seemed incapable of actually forming words and -- heaven forbid -- complete sentences.

Finally, she could stand it no longer, and growled, "Say something, Alec!"

He cleared his throat, steeled his nerves and said, "Oh."

"Oh?" Max repeated incredulously. "I spill my soul to you and all you have to say is 'Oh'?"

"I don't know what you want me to say here."

"Respond in kind, if you could, please."

Alec licked his lips and studiously looked at the ground. "Max, I don't love you," he muttered.

The penny dropped. Everything in Max's world came crashing to a halt, and even when her body was begging to turn tail and run, her mind was caught up in the moment. "What?! Then why did you stick around dealing with all of the crap I gave you? Why put up with this when you didn't have to?"

He put his hands in his pockets. "I didn't say I don't care about you, Max. I do. I care what happens to you. I care how you feel about things. I care what you do. I care who you date. And I care about how you're treated. You're one of the closest friends I've ever experienced. But I'm not in love with you."

Somewhere, in the back of her awe-struck mind, Max decided that if she ever got over this and managed to continue to be friends with Alec, she would ask him why he'd said she was the best friend he'd ever _experienced_ rather than one he'd _had_. However, now was neither the time nor the place for that conversation. "Do you think there might ever be a chance for us?" she finally rasped out.

"I thought you loved Logan," he said softly instead of answering the question.

His tone somehow made it easier for her to distance herself from her own feelings. "I do. Apparently in much the same way that you just described as your feelings for me. And I think that, if I wanted it, I could make things work with Logan."

Alec let out a deep breath. "But don't both parties have to want to make a go of it?" he asked.

"Are you telling me you don't?"

He was now more troubled than she was. Max had gone past the denial stage, past the anger stage, skipped the acceptance stage, and now found herself in the hysterics stage. Alec's nervous fidgeting made her want to laugh more than anything and she suddenly struggled to hold it in. This obviously meant that she would sob uncontrollably when she was alone, but she'd cross that bridge when she came to it.

"Look, Max . . . You came from a test tube just like I did. We're not made for serious relationships. You may not know this, since you escaped so early on, but some of us are dragging around a lot of emotional baggage and even if we were willing to give a serious relationship a try, it wouldn't be fair to the other person."

And that was the proverbial straw that broke the camel's back. Max burst out laughing, tears streaming from her eyes. Alec was a blur by that point, but what she could see of him was a mixture of intense confusion and hurt from her reaction. He shifted from foot to foot for a few moments and then snapped, "What is your problem?"

Taking deep breaths to stop her maniacal outburst, she finally said, "Alec, you are the only person I know who could find such a round about way of saying 'It's not you; it's me.'"

He continued to watch her, then allowed one corner of his mouth to bend up in some semblance of a smirk. "I did say that, didn't I?"

"Completely."

"Well, whaddya know . . . I must be more normal than I thought. I always said I was one hundred percent human. Except for the cat, of course. And whatever other animals they slipped into my cocktail."

How could she ever _not_ be friends with this man? She was really in love with him, and that wouldn't change regardless of whether or not he threw her out to sea. Repeatedly. "So you never answered my question."

Alec quickly glanced over, the light-hearted smile disappearing from his face. "Max, I don't even know if there's a chance of _survival_ for transgenics and you want me to tell you if I think there's a chance for us to have a normal, healthy relationship?"

It was at this point in the conversation that Max had a life-shattering realisation. She'd had _years_ to find out about normal lives, relationships, emotions . . . Alec had only had one year and he'd spent the time either exploring his hormones or being chased and hunted. He probably didn't even understand the concept of love, let alone how to show it. He needed guidance from someone who was willing to allow themselves to get crushed so he could experience the sensation of love. All he knew was Rachel, and she had come and gone so quickly love might have bad connotations to him. She smiled gently into his distressed face, then put her hands on his cheeks. "Let me show you how to love," she said.

To his credit, he didn't even twitch, though his eyes screamed for escape. "I know what it means," he admitted. "And I don't want to experience it again."

"It doesn't have to be like Rachel," she said. "Love can last forever."

"I still love her," he answered.

"I know," Max went on. "Logan had to show me what true love meant, and I'm going to show you. And even if you never reciprocate my feelings, at least you'll understand."

"Why are you doing this?" he asked in a voice hardly above a whisper.

"That's what I'm going to show you," she replied.

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In a sick twist of fate, demonstrating love to an emotionally damaged ex-military man was the most difficult thing Max had ever done in her life. Whenever she tried to do something nice for him, he either gave her a confused look or tried to check her temperature. When she cuddled up close to him, his body went rigid and his hands curled into fists. When she brought him food after a hard day's work cleaning the sewers, finding food, and negotiating with the mayor, he shrugged and handed it to the guy behind him. When she spent all day cleaning his apartment, he muttered something about her disturbing OCD tendencies. And when she found him a nice big-screen TV, all he said was, "It's about damn time."

Short of sleeping with him, Max was running out of ideas. Alec had completely closed off his emotions after Rachel died. She knew they were in there somewhere, because she saw them during selected moments -- like when the flag was raised, or when Gem's baby was born, or when Biggs had been murdered.

However, sex was not an option. Alec had explored that part of his life and knew it wasn't a lasting thing. He'd probably enjoy a good roll in the hay with her, but it wouldn't teach him the first thing about love.

In short, Max Guevera was frustrated.

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Happily, the brilliant moment of comprehension came. It was just unfortunate that it was in the middle of a firefight with White and some familiars. She and Alec were the only ones out there. Alec had sent the three accompanying transgenics away in a hurry when he'd realised there was trouble.

He fought beautifully. Of course, all X5s were masters of combat, but Alec looked like the perfect combination of grace and lethal danger when he was defending his life. Max's appreciation of his skill took her attention away from her opponent for a split second too long, and she suddenly found herself facing down the barrel of a gun. This wasn't something she could outrun.

Her chocolate eyes focused on the finger on the trigger -- White himself, ironically -- and then she closed her eyes. She wasn't afraid to die; she was just sad that she had never been able to make Alec understand how she felt.

The sound of the gunshot and the impact to her chest were somehow disjointed. She knew something was wrong even before she hit the ground. Her eyes flashed open, and she discovered that the thing that had hit her was Alec. He'd absorbed the bullet into his chest to save her.

His gun clattered from his hands. Actually, he must have stolen the gun from one of his enemies, since he hadn't had it when they'd come in. Regardless, Max snatched up the weapon and fired shots at White and his remaining _one_ familiar, but the two of them managed to escape.

Max's attention went instantly to her wounded companion. "Alec," she said in a panicked voice, hands reaching down to put pressure on his wound and hold his blood in. "Alec," she repeated.

His eyes fluttered and finally opened. "What?" he hissed out.

"Why did you do that?" Max asked, surprised to find tears streaming down her cheeks.

"I figured it out, Maxie," he said in barely more than a whisper.

She leaned closer. "Figured what out?"

"Love," he groaned out. "I couldn't let you die. Then I . . . realised . . . would rather . . . die than . . . without . . . you . . ."

His words were unconnected and nearly incoherent, but still Max understood him. "So there's a chance for us?"

Alec tried to grin, but the motion was too much for him and he gave up. "Always was."

She smiled through her tears, leaning forward to place a kiss to his dry lips. "Good," she said. "Now that we've got that all worked out, you need to get better so we can work on the more physical aspects of our normal, happy, successful relationship."

He snorted. Or laughed. Or moaned. It was hard to tell which the sound was meant to be. His eyes slipped closed, and Max could feel his heartbeat under her hands. It was slowing down.

"You'll be fine, Alec," she whispered as a prayer. "Be fine."

And then his body quit the struggle for life.

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The nice thing about loving someone is that even if they're bleeding out in your arms, you refuse to let them go. You get hysterical and maniacal and panic and do crazy things. Max did those things. She knew Alec was dead and couldn't stop giving him mouth-to-mouth, pushing on his bleeding chest in order to pump his heart for him. This was only nice because by the time backup showed up, Alec's fragile body was showing signs of life again. And his heart never quit again.

It was three weeks later that Max and Alec explored the physical aspects of their relationship. Alec was as good a lover as she'd heard. And that was just an added bonus because she now found him responding subconsciously when she brushed his shoulder or brought him food or cleaned up after him or flirted with him in public. And it was only then that she knew that even broken toy soldiers could experience love.


End file.
